Wretch
The house was quiet. The dogs had quieted down from my arrival. I sat and wondered if my parents would be angry tomorrow for my showing up so late. My brother was at the back of the property, no doubt, in his trailer. He enjoyed having moved from my room, then from there into his own room and then into his own space. Lucky him. The silence tonight was defening. The paper thin walls that usually would provide a hum from a tv or my parents talking offered no comfort other than possibly the hum of a highway or whatever other sounds of passing cars late in the night.
I felt myself drifting under the now warm covers. I felt the colors and images of spuractic visions play across my eyelids, numbing my senses. A whining and moaning now entered my lucid state. My visions continued to play the sounds becoming much more intense. A violent ripping interrupted the serenity of my visions. My eyes open. A wretching squelch vibrated through the silence of my room. Was I dreaming? Were the nightmares going to start so soon?
Again a violent noise disrupted my comfort. I sat up. Listening intently now I strained to find this horrific noise. Again, it ripped through me. The vision in my head was now violent, although I was fully sobered by the noise. I pressed my ear to the wall that ajoined my parents room to my own.
Wretching. I called out to my mother, no response. Wretching....
"Mommy?" ....a terror ripped through my innocent mind. Eyes wide, my heart raced waiting for an answer.
"Help me..." The wretching had stopped, My heart had stopped, my breathing had stopped. I rose to my knees clenching my covers. My chin shivered...A whine cleared through the room, it was my own.
"MOM!"
"Anna, get your dad...I need help.................................Im dying in here"
"DYING? My dad?" I thought, "where in the hell was he?" His truck was in the driveway. He was not in the living room, where in the hell else would he be?
Wretch. The sound refocused me. What was happening? Is she hurt? Is she vomiting? Choking? Has someone hurt her? Why was the sound so violent? I had not heard a sound this intense before. It squalled much like I had heard dinosaurs on tv do. WRETCH.
With that I sprung to me feet and I hit the black hallway in what seemed to be instantaneously...... WRETCH.
I looked into the living room, rather confused on what to do. I stood motionless, quiet, the only sensations I could feel was the buzzing from the quiet intermissions, between the ripping sound and the hot tears that ran down steadily from my eyes. My own breath stung, I was in a state of sheer terror when I realized I was alone.
The beat of my heart felt too big for my chest and I walked to the living room quietly. The sound was interrupted by the loud ringing of my kitchen phone. The way my heart jumped reminded me of how I felt watching horror flicks in movies. I went to the phone, hurried, to make the too loud noise stop. Who would be on the other end?
"....Hello?" I sniffed.
"This is 911 we have a call that there is an emergency....." What?
"Hello, is there someone there needing help?" I began to sob, barely able to function. Yes. There was. I has terrified, I had no idea how to put into words what was happening, because for one, I had no idea myself.
"Are you there alone? Is anyone else there with you?" ...Dad, where was he? The RV. This wasnt the first time. He had stayed out there, not often, but on the occasion they would fight. This would be his retreat.
"My dad maybe in the motor home...I am alone in the house with my mother."
The voiced urged me to check. Why now, I do not know, would anyone send a child to "gopher" while an unknown emergency was in the works.
I dropped the phone, the wretching was now clear in the distance again. I ran. My bare feet hitting the porch, to the concrete, to the gravel drive that spread the distance of the driveway between me and the RV. I yelled for my dad somewhere between. I hit the RV door my dad was already there standing clearly in the same confused state of myself. He cussed and reentered the back of the motor home. When he came out I followed.
We entered the house, he went to the back, I went to the phone. I told the silent end of the phone my father was here. The voice replied to stay on the line and that help was nearby. Somewhere there in the silence, I fell into a ball on the floor. The silence quickly became chaos as the house was filled with strangers. I sat on the ground, hanging up the phone, watching boots and wheels roll across our floor of our hallway...I got to my feet and followed. No one seemed to notice me meekly following. Our small hallway was at capacity. Radio noises and frequencies filled the long distant quiet of our home.
I slid into our lit front bathroom connected to the hallway and I sat back into my ball and listened. My forehead rest onto my knees and I hugged my legs. A voice was there. I looked up to find a face next to mine, telling me to get up and come with them. The paramedic led me to my livingroom now algow.
I sat on my couch, time had passed but, how much I do not know. I looked out the window to glowing red flashing red lights. The occasional blue shown through. Strangers overtook my house as quickly as the whole strangeness of my night had.
Some how again...my heart stops again and my terror takes over as I see a stretcher emerge from the hallway. Panic and disorder overtakes my horror and I am silent. I cannot cry. I cannot react as her eyes meet mine. A strangers arm wraps my soulders, but there is no comfort in this cold. My mind goes blank and I cannot remember a reaction or the next steps of our long night. In a house full of help... I am helpless. In a house full of people... I am alone.
Tuesday
थे ड्रिवे पत. 3
The Day
I guess much could be said about the day that the world changed for me. I was an average 13 year old kid I guess. I started to feel the need to be my own person and do things as I wanted. What now I feel could have been easily miscontrued as my being a selfish brat at the time, to me at that time was me just wanting to be with my friends versus my family and the same hum drum of another day growing up in East Nicolaus. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I couldn't stand the thought of too much alone time with my mom who had been different this week. The day was April 1, 1990. April Fools Day.
My bestfriend at the time was leaving for the afternoon to a family function. This meant me being left to fend for myself in boring Rio Oso. Nothing to do within miles. No cable television. No friends. Only an overly messy room to clean. Not my favorite activity. Of course, Chrissy and I had devised a plan to talk our parents into letting me go with her. She was not thrilled about spending the day in Sutter alone with the adults. Im sure we could find some trouble in even more boring Sutter. As pre-teens will do, we cleared it with her parents before knowing if my parents would go for it. In my mind I was already going.
I had proposed the idea to my mother who had been up doing much of whatever it is that she did. I know she had been up late the night before, out with my dad, as she had done frequently through the week. I had not talked to her since earlier the day before as many of the days we spent in the last few weeks. Apparently this is not how she wanted to spend the first two seconds of our conversation, already in the argumentative staure that I was. She was quick to shoot my idea down and I was quick to argue back. For some reason this morning I felt particularly brave and stood ground with her. This lasted for who knows how long before she gave in and just told me to get out of her face. I did so gleefully, deciding with myself I would deal with the backlash later. She probably wouldnt be there when I got home anyways. She'd have bigger fish to fry the next day, like my dad. Cake. I got away with getting what I wanted out of her.
My parents fought often enough that, I didn't react much anymore. I just wanted out of the house, around some normalcy. The fighting seemed to consume much of family time. I sought refuge in others families. This was my escape, I felt I was entitled to it. Chrissy was my refuge. She was my bestfriend. She was the only one beside my brothers who truly understood. She had been there many of nights when things would get ugly. I can't recall my parents ever being too good at censoring themselves in front of her.
I had escaped to her house many nights without the consent of my parents. They always knew where I was even if my escaping was unnannouced. The other moments of escape included my oldest brother coming home. He never stayed long. I imagine it was for the same reasons I wanted to leave as well. I dreaded him leaving. I often fantasized in my own head about living with him. I felt safe with him. He was like my protector.
The tension in the house sometimes was thick. I didnt really get it. My parents would go out about their business dressed up, my dad smelling of his best cologne. Smiling and carrying on, Ronnie and I left alone to fend for ourselves. Which was fine, we preferred it at times. We were happy in each others company, most of the time. This was normal for us. Our normal lives would always be interrupted, only to be woken up late hours of the night to screaming and yelling.
A few nights before this particular night my mom had come home stumbling. I knew I was in trouble already by her swagger as she eyed me from the living room. I was in the kitchen. I was to have the dishes done before she came home. I hated that chore with a passion. I put it off, she came home sooner than I thought she would. Obviously my father and her had gotten into an argument at the bar and she was already inebreated and ticked off.
She approached me and I could see her raging. She was furious I had blantantly ignored her orders before she left. She had said things to me that night she has never, would never have said to me before. Her words were sharp and coarse all at the same time. I felt belittled and I was truly in fear of her like I had never felt before. She walked around the center divide eyeing much as a predator would its prey, slurring her words in a condesending manor. I back stepped around trying to keep the furthest distance between us and keepin my hands up defensively.
This was not the same woman I had lived with for 13 years. Something had changed and I was terrified of this person. To this day, I try not to think of what she had said to me that night. Im not even sure she even realized her own words. I had doubted she even remembered that night. Perhaps her words she used on me were her own reflection of how she felt of herself. I will never know.
Today I was defiant. I still held close the previous night in the week. At some point through this all, I didnt care much about reprecussions. I just wanted to be away. Today was one of those.
The day in Sutter was much like ones I had spent with Chrissy times before. Almost uneventful, running the streets, galavanting with neighborhood kids and a few cousins of hers, Im sure. Once inside we were preparing to eat. The table was full of food. Her and I kid around, horse playing alittle. Carrying over the cruel April Fools jokes that had dissapated from the outdoor activies of the neighborhood.
I innocently played the popular "you have a spider in your hair" joke on her...I was pleased to see her freak out alittle and it was all that much better to her pleading for me to remove it. I laughed obnoxiously knowing my prank had pulled over so effortlessly that ,I of course, in victory annouced to the room, "APRIL FOOLS!" Her grandmother stopped dead in what she was doing, glaring at me. Chrissys expression changed quickly too, hurrying me from the table by my elbow. I of course was alittle confused thinking, okay, I pissed her off with my big mouth.
In the living room Chrissy hushed and quickly told me not to do that again. I felt stupid, although I was still alittle confused on exactly why I got the reaction I did. I was playing. I meant no harm. She then told me her grandfather had died of a heart attack on April Fools some years back, not far after playing some April Fools joke on the grandmother. At that time I was moritified. I felt ridiculous having done such a careless thing, of course knowing I wouldn't have known better, unless told so forth hand. The rest of my uncomfortable evening there was long and could not pass fast enough. Im sure the event was bigger to my 13 year old mind that it was to anyone elses.
That night we came in late. The dogs howled protectively as the headlights grazed across their faces and glowing eyes in the back yard. To my surprise my mothers brown Toyota was in the driveway and also my dad's yellow pickup. Our RV that had rarely moved was also in sight. As I ran up I hushed them and they whined sadly, recognizing me as it seemed only by my foot steps.
The house was quiet and black. Much like every other night in East Nicolaus. The inside of the trailer was as cold as the outside. I came in and to the bathroom. I dilly dallied with brushing my teeth and washing my face. I went straight to my room and it was so cold I dreaded disrobing. I found my night shirt from the morning before still laying on my bed where I had left it. I swiftly pulled my jacket off. The cold outside of the plastic feeling material of its sleeves nipped at my finger tips. I pull my shirt off and slipped into the cold night shirt. I quickly slipped under my dishevled covers, too frozen to remove my jeans. I shook wishing I had an electric blanket to come home to.
I guess much could be said about the day that the world changed for me. I was an average 13 year old kid I guess. I started to feel the need to be my own person and do things as I wanted. What now I feel could have been easily miscontrued as my being a selfish brat at the time, to me at that time was me just wanting to be with my friends versus my family and the same hum drum of another day growing up in East Nicolaus. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I couldn't stand the thought of too much alone time with my mom who had been different this week. The day was April 1, 1990. April Fools Day.
My bestfriend at the time was leaving for the afternoon to a family function. This meant me being left to fend for myself in boring Rio Oso. Nothing to do within miles. No cable television. No friends. Only an overly messy room to clean. Not my favorite activity. Of course, Chrissy and I had devised a plan to talk our parents into letting me go with her. She was not thrilled about spending the day in Sutter alone with the adults. Im sure we could find some trouble in even more boring Sutter. As pre-teens will do, we cleared it with her parents before knowing if my parents would go for it. In my mind I was already going.
I had proposed the idea to my mother who had been up doing much of whatever it is that she did. I know she had been up late the night before, out with my dad, as she had done frequently through the week. I had not talked to her since earlier the day before as many of the days we spent in the last few weeks. Apparently this is not how she wanted to spend the first two seconds of our conversation, already in the argumentative staure that I was. She was quick to shoot my idea down and I was quick to argue back. For some reason this morning I felt particularly brave and stood ground with her. This lasted for who knows how long before she gave in and just told me to get out of her face. I did so gleefully, deciding with myself I would deal with the backlash later. She probably wouldnt be there when I got home anyways. She'd have bigger fish to fry the next day, like my dad. Cake. I got away with getting what I wanted out of her.
My parents fought often enough that, I didn't react much anymore. I just wanted out of the house, around some normalcy. The fighting seemed to consume much of family time. I sought refuge in others families. This was my escape, I felt I was entitled to it. Chrissy was my refuge. She was my bestfriend. She was the only one beside my brothers who truly understood. She had been there many of nights when things would get ugly. I can't recall my parents ever being too good at censoring themselves in front of her.
I had escaped to her house many nights without the consent of my parents. They always knew where I was even if my escaping was unnannouced. The other moments of escape included my oldest brother coming home. He never stayed long. I imagine it was for the same reasons I wanted to leave as well. I dreaded him leaving. I often fantasized in my own head about living with him. I felt safe with him. He was like my protector.
The tension in the house sometimes was thick. I didnt really get it. My parents would go out about their business dressed up, my dad smelling of his best cologne. Smiling and carrying on, Ronnie and I left alone to fend for ourselves. Which was fine, we preferred it at times. We were happy in each others company, most of the time. This was normal for us. Our normal lives would always be interrupted, only to be woken up late hours of the night to screaming and yelling.
A few nights before this particular night my mom had come home stumbling. I knew I was in trouble already by her swagger as she eyed me from the living room. I was in the kitchen. I was to have the dishes done before she came home. I hated that chore with a passion. I put it off, she came home sooner than I thought she would. Obviously my father and her had gotten into an argument at the bar and she was already inebreated and ticked off.
She approached me and I could see her raging. She was furious I had blantantly ignored her orders before she left. She had said things to me that night she has never, would never have said to me before. Her words were sharp and coarse all at the same time. I felt belittled and I was truly in fear of her like I had never felt before. She walked around the center divide eyeing much as a predator would its prey, slurring her words in a condesending manor. I back stepped around trying to keep the furthest distance between us and keepin my hands up defensively.
This was not the same woman I had lived with for 13 years. Something had changed and I was terrified of this person. To this day, I try not to think of what she had said to me that night. Im not even sure she even realized her own words. I had doubted she even remembered that night. Perhaps her words she used on me were her own reflection of how she felt of herself. I will never know.
Today I was defiant. I still held close the previous night in the week. At some point through this all, I didnt care much about reprecussions. I just wanted to be away. Today was one of those.
The day in Sutter was much like ones I had spent with Chrissy times before. Almost uneventful, running the streets, galavanting with neighborhood kids and a few cousins of hers, Im sure. Once inside we were preparing to eat. The table was full of food. Her and I kid around, horse playing alittle. Carrying over the cruel April Fools jokes that had dissapated from the outdoor activies of the neighborhood.
I innocently played the popular "you have a spider in your hair" joke on her...I was pleased to see her freak out alittle and it was all that much better to her pleading for me to remove it. I laughed obnoxiously knowing my prank had pulled over so effortlessly that ,I of course, in victory annouced to the room, "APRIL FOOLS!" Her grandmother stopped dead in what she was doing, glaring at me. Chrissys expression changed quickly too, hurrying me from the table by my elbow. I of course was alittle confused thinking, okay, I pissed her off with my big mouth.
In the living room Chrissy hushed and quickly told me not to do that again. I felt stupid, although I was still alittle confused on exactly why I got the reaction I did. I was playing. I meant no harm. She then told me her grandfather had died of a heart attack on April Fools some years back, not far after playing some April Fools joke on the grandmother. At that time I was moritified. I felt ridiculous having done such a careless thing, of course knowing I wouldn't have known better, unless told so forth hand. The rest of my uncomfortable evening there was long and could not pass fast enough. Im sure the event was bigger to my 13 year old mind that it was to anyone elses.
That night we came in late. The dogs howled protectively as the headlights grazed across their faces and glowing eyes in the back yard. To my surprise my mothers brown Toyota was in the driveway and also my dad's yellow pickup. Our RV that had rarely moved was also in sight. As I ran up I hushed them and they whined sadly, recognizing me as it seemed only by my foot steps.
The house was quiet and black. Much like every other night in East Nicolaus. The inside of the trailer was as cold as the outside. I came in and to the bathroom. I dilly dallied with brushing my teeth and washing my face. I went straight to my room and it was so cold I dreaded disrobing. I found my night shirt from the morning before still laying on my bed where I had left it. I swiftly pulled my jacket off. The cold outside of the plastic feeling material of its sleeves nipped at my finger tips. I pull my shirt off and slipped into the cold night shirt. I quickly slipped under my dishevled covers, too frozen to remove my jeans. I shook wishing I had an electric blanket to come home to.
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