Okay so I have written some things in the past that I found therapuetic in doing so. I have written about some events in my life. And Im not even sure what I intend to do with them...But I decided I will put them up in my blog for now. I dont know if I want to use it as a creative tool to help other people or if it will simply stay, a blog. I had high marks in school for English and I do love to do it. I write more often than I think people may know. Also, I don't want to make anyone mad my publishing my writing, but I wanna share. I have alot of family on here, and my intentions are not to offend or upset anyone. I dont know why..nor do I know whats posessing me this morning. What I write is very personal nor is it a secret. But I want to get it out. I feel entitled to do so...so here is a introduction. Read on if you wish. The rest will go to blog as it progresses, mind you this is a rough draft.....
Anna
PREFACE
Funny how the mind flashes forward and back through memories that are clear as yesterday. When life holds no time frame. The pain and outside senses in tune, the coldness, the silence, the small sounds happening around. But the presence of time dissapates. Pushing your thoughts back and forth in a blinding and confusing recollection, that has you struggling for what is truth and what is not. You actually find yourself in a moment where you wonder if what your remembering ever happened at all. Then the truth creeps in like an unfriendly stranger, reminding you indeed, that the worse has happened.
I don't know what has jolted me out of bed this morning. Whats required me like a puppet to sit here at this keyboard and write. My fingers are flittering fast, as if attached to invisible strings, but cannot keep up with what is coming to mind. My mind has brought me here many times over the last two decades, but only one other rare occasion has it brought me here. I wrote, what ended up being a 7 page essay, I guess you can call it, about it. Not about the day my life changed, but about how the events following effected me. What started out a sad affectionate story, ended up angry. I posted that page online and had received email after email about how the story effected people. After a year I did not re-read that essay. I went back to it after a morning like this. It was gone. I had not relived that moment in a year, the web provider had discontinued the page. A morning like this, I found myself frantic. I had lost that moment. Once again what my mind had sifted as truth was once again a moment of wondering if it had ever happened at all.
As I write this...even now...I feel a sense of "am losing it?" Though I am fully aware, I am not. There are situations in life that are beyond anyones full ability to cope. I have coped. I live a full, functional, happy life. Yet mornings like this my fingers tremble. My heart pounds at the thought of it all, why so vivid now? Why does the loss of her leave me so fragile today? At a time where I am unsuspecting and unfairyly blind sided by it? I cannot make sense of it, so I write. It has helped in the past. I know not of the effect, if any, it will have later. Perhaps I won't lose this one. Panic and anxiety creep back in......even after almost 20 years later.
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